Whoever you are, if you ask me how I am during my lowest point,
I’ll be compelled to assure you that I’m fine,
Both by society’s expectations and my own inability to open up.
In truth, I long to let you in, to somehow ease this pain, that overwhelms me to the point of sheer agony.
But where would that get either of us anyway?
There’s nothing you could ever do or say.
There’s no cure for this paradoxical, inescapable torment,
No matter how positive you say I must be.

I grasp for whatever remedy or opium this world offers,
Whether it be a shopping spree round my favourite stores
Or an invitation into your bedroom.
But nothing will ever be good enough,
This endless dark hole is an insatiable monster
And time is its one worthy opponent.
All it takes is time for these thoughts and feelings to fade.
But what about now?
What am I to do with myself whilst every path that opens up to me is suddenly blocked by the fear and negativity of my mind?
There’s nothing I can do and no way I can escape this crippling desperation.
I’m trapped with and by these polluting thoughts and feelings,
Driving me ever closer to the attraction of suicide.

I need an instant release!
I can’t stand the thought of waiting,
Waiting for death.
Just watching as the blood trails down my arm,
Or dreading the moment I’m drowning in an excess of my own sick.
The sheer terror and panic would drive me past insanity itself.
But I’m already there, just waiting for the moment I can claim back my life.
Why not instead await the moment death may claim me?
To save me from every excruciating episode of paranoia, delusion, disappointment, humiliation, shame, rage and utter misery?
To save me from life, from myself!
Yet no matter how unbearable this life may become,
I just can’t find the strength within to commit that one ultimate act.
There’ll always be something within clinging relentlessly to life.
This life that rarely succeeds to satisfy
And never ceases to antagonise.
Yet satisfaction is of a transient nature
And truth’s affliction will always be present, in one form or another.

Oh God, to think I’ve worked so hard to build the life I want.
It breaks my heart to know I could let it all go in just an instant.
All of a sudden everything I love and value,
Everything that shaped and gave meaning to my world so effortlessly collapses around me:
Yes, I enjoy my course,
But I’ve already taught myself the basic truths of human nature and that’s all I need to know to know its worth giving up.
Yes, I can appreciate a beautiful piece of panorama,
But it’s not something one lives for,
Its merely an additional perk for those who choose life.
Yes, I enjoy the chance to have sex,
But the pleasure it gives is minuscule compared to the pain of life itself.
Yes, I do believe in love,
But I’ve already tasted and savoured its heights,
I couldn’t bare to suffer another of its lows.
Yes, I’m lucky to have got this far,
But you don’t see the background of absolute misery and toil my present situation is based upon.
Yes, I couldn’t possibly know what the future holds for me,
But I’m pretty dam sure of the general outline.
Yes, there are those in life whom I care about,
But none could ever understand the real me,
Nor would they be there for me to the end,
Simply deny the seriousness of what I go through
And try to distract me and themselves from my unacceptable truth.

I’m stuck in a state of utter desperation,
Suffocated by my own thoughts
And tortured by the intensity of my emotions.
I gag for that first breath of pure relief,
When all at once my mind is freed from the restless torment
I was so sure was inescapable.
All of a sudden my heart ceases to beat so erratically
I can find stability and comfort in my thoughts and emotions
As I realise how “outrageous” and “ridiculous” my every racing thought had been.
I begin to pick back up the pieces of my life,
Knowing that pain and hardship pay ahead,
But knowing I have the strength to tackle it all,
If only I can maintain this re-freshened positivity.

I look back on all the erratic things I’ve done tonight:
Sat in the middle of “my” crowd, pretending to sleep so as to not to have to open up about how unhappy and troubled I truly felt.
Locking myself away in the toilets, unable to decide on my next move.
Digging the ridges of my keys into the cuts I’d already made in my wrist,
Telling myself “this is the pain of life, take it or die”.
Throwing my lifeline out of the window
And watching with a sense of accomplishment as my pills hit the ground.
Screaming and shrieking, collapsing to the ground in tears in the realisation that this life is too painfully to bare.

I cringe with shame in the knowledge that I’ve destroyed my chances with the man my heart ached for.
Why is it I must demand the world of whatever love interest is there at the moment?
As if he determines the whole meaning of my life and whether or not its worth living.
I’ll always confront him with some unfair ultimatum
In order to clear away the uncertainty my weak and paranoid mind just can’t handle.
Yet whenever such dramatic attempts are made, I always end up in a worsened state;
I can’t stand every second that passes in anticipation of his answer.
I can’t stand not being able just come out with everything that torments my mind
For fear of being labelled “drama queen”, “attention seeker”, “emo”.
But if I fail to give you at least a hint of how desperate I’m feeling,
If you fail to give me any kind of clear or immediate response,
My distorted and unstable mind will be unable to cope with the suspense.
I’m trapped between two crippling extremes;
Powerless to unleash upon you all that plagues my mind
And unable to keep myself from saying at least something.
I’ll treat you like a villain whilst expecting you to save the day.
I need you to be my hero, to rescue me from myself.
Yet I feel I must push you away, like everyone else
For you could never comprehend what I’m going through
And I just don’t have the strength or ability to explain myself to you.
Too many times I have tried to describe my experience to others
And each account has failed to capture the truth that’s kept hidden deep inside.
I just need to know whether you’re on my side or not.
I can’t stand not knowing how far your feelings for me really go.
They need to go all the way, or this life is worth nothing.
I won’t be able to rest till I know I’m your life, you’re everything,
You’re willing to wade through the agonising and endless ocean of my distress to make sure I come out of the other side alive.
Yet what’s on the other side is just a disappointment, its just reality.
Reality isn’t enough to keep me going,
you’re not enough to keep me satisfied.
But if I don’t have you I’m nothing.
I need one moment of positive drama to defeat the hours of negative.
Because my heart belongs to you, my future rests on your shoulders,
Your activity or inactivity determines my whole life’s worth.